Decision-making time.

I can...

1) Just continue with it & be happy
2) Take the 1st step out of my comfort zone & hope for something better to come out of it
3) Remove the very element that is the direct/indirect cause of this

I know nobody will have any idea what I'm actually talking abt here but I'm just putting my thoughts into writing which helps me think better.

Now that I've reviewed what I'd written - it actually becomes clear that I can just choose to go with option 1 & if that doesn't work, I should move on to option 2 and if all else fails, option 3. It's the simpliest course of action. How logical.

Hmmm. But I dun think option 1 will work for me. Instinct tells me I should just pick option 2 & STOP procrastinating. Seriously my vice is that I think way TOO much which then leads to my procrastination. Maybe New Year's resolution no. 1 should be 'thou shall not procrastinate'?

Just sent an sms to Mr. X telling him how bummed I'm feeling & he replied 'U have money & brains & a loving Mr. X :)'

Yep. That sms made me smile.
Haven updated this blog in a damn long time. Too much time spent on doing other stuff, including my much-anticipated Sentosa 'staycation' with X.

I know a staycation sounds pretty dull but it isn't. We spent our time at the beach, or at the resort's pool, went for dinner and/or coffee at various spots within the island, took strolls hand-in-hand, or just lazed in bed. It was utter bliss=) X got sunburnt though, which is not MY fault cuz i didn't know he would burn so easily and HE himself forgot to apply the sunblock on his chest. It was kinda funny to see his 'lobster-red' chest afterward, but i know the burn is killing him la. Poor thing. I will never ask him to go get a tan anymore. I love him fair or tanned anyway=p

X had a whole week of leave & i'm really happy that we got to spend most of that time together. I used to be scared of letting 'love' take over me, hence creating this conflict within myself because i constantly felt the need to be 'in control'. But I've learned that 'power' & 'love' are 2 opposing forces - i need to relinquish one to gain the other. So i learnt & it's great because once i come to embrace my feelings for X completely & not worry obsessively abt 'losing control' or trying my darndest to control everything, that conflict disappears & i can finally relax. I dun have this chip on my shoulder anymore. On hindsight, i've wasted alot of time being difficult, finding fault with X & the relationship & just plain complicating things. It was just stupid but at the very least I haven't lost. I gained instead.

As part of the 'new & improved' me, I've also started taking yoga together with my mom & sister. We had our second session today & it was a total body workout. You can really feel the stretch in your muscles, the blood circulation in your body, and after that you feel really sore & tired but i'm loving it! Yoga doesn't just strengthens the body, it strengthens the mind. I'm starting to feel more 'zen' already! Somehow I find myself less agitated and annoyed at the small things that used to bother me.

For those who sneer at this & think its all 'psychological', go try it for yourself. I used to jog and skip regularly but i can guarantee that yoga is as much of a workout as any activity, and even more.
My birthday came & went just like any other day, & I like not making a fuss out of things anyway. The only difference was the bombardment of sms-es from friends with their wishes & it's nice to know I'm remembered.

X spent the day with me just doing regular things - we caught 2 movies, '500 Days of Summer' followed by 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs' & both were pretty good. I'd give both a 3 and a half stars! 'Cloudy' was my 1st 3D movie too - but I kinda got dizzy from the effects afterward. I'm so not paying extra for a 3D movie next time cuz I didn't really feel that the effects were that fantastic.

On the other hand I really enjoyed '500 Days of Summer'. It was sweet, funny, sad, somewhat philosophical all at the same time. Although the one part I didn't like was the ending cuz I'm a sucker for typical 'happy endings' but I acknowledge that ending was essential in order to bring across the message behind the movie.

I think I learnt that things are nvr really within our control no matter how much we try cuz the only constant is change. Too many variables, known or unknown, comes into play and there isn't any way of predicting outcomes. I think I made that mistake of trying to control what I couldn't by trying too hard. Whilst summer may be great, there is beauty in autumn too. We just need to see by opening our eyes.

Enough of my rambling...just go watch the movie. It's really great.

X & I are going for a short 'staycation' at Sentosa next week^^ I'm really looking forward to it cuz we have not had quality time together since our HUGE fight that almost took him away from me. Now I just want to enjoy the moment - be it holding his hand, lazing on the bed, or soaking up the sun on the beach.

I just realised that I actually sound mushy in my last paragraph. HAHA!

I can't help it...I love the guy & he loves me too=p
I'm damn happy & relieved that F1 Singapore is finally over & I never EVER wanna work as a grid gal ever again. It may seem like an easy job to others cuz we only 'appear' for like 40mins prior to the race, but we were actually at the circuit since 9.30 in the morning working for the support races as well.

We also had to go through training to teach us how to march in formation to the pit & take our positions and we kena scolding if we screwed up during training. Plus we were roasted under the hot sun during the support races and I seriously thought my boots were gonna combust cuz it was really burning hot standing under the sun. There wasn't any form of transport to bring us from point A to B within the circuit so we had to walk in our high heels to & fro and OMG, my feet hurt so bad i wanted to cry. It really is damn bad. I have a huge blister on the sole of my right foot to prove it.

On the other hand, it is indeed exciting to see all the F1 drivers up close and it gives u this surge of adrenaline. I was holding the board with the driver's name & car number on the pit and it was for Jensen Button! I was quite happy cuz he's like currently leading the championship. Woohoo! But he didn't even glance at me or Sam when we were holding his board & flag for him=/ I guess we're like insignificant la. Whatever!

My picture's also on the official F1 website, was quite surprised & happy to see it there. Here it is:
Looks glam but its not. It's a tiring, hot, sweaty & disgusting job. I could feel beads of my perspiration trickling down my hairline and my makeup melting just standing there. But still I'm glad for this once in a lifetime experience. ONCE in a lifetime - I really wouldn't wanna do it a second time!

A few more pics coming up...will upload next time.
I feel as though i've dropped off the face of Earth for the past few days. No work, no checking of email, just eat, sleep, laze & play. Only got bothered by a pesky phonecall from some idiot who refused to make his identity known even though HE was the one who called me. Duh.

It felt so good not having to worry abt anything for that few days. My family celebrated my mom's bday with a ktv session at Kbox followed by a buffet dinner. I spent another day just curling up in bed reading a mystery thriller and then another day with Mr. X. We had lunch & watched 'The Ugly Truth' which had a predictable storyline with some laughs.

But now i'm back to reality & i'm stuck. It's like i know what i want but some irrational fear & worry is just stopping me from getting there. I really need to stop procrastinating because if i don't make that 1st move, nothing's ever gonna change & i just end up making myself unhappy.

The old Mr. X would simply tell me 'I dun see what's so difficult' etc which would piss me off cuz i would think that he didn't understand. But i realised now he was just telling me as it is, insensitive as it may be. Thankfully he's been more understanding of my anxieties since we patched things up & i know it's really up to myself to do something to change/improve the situation instead of bit*hing abt it.
I haven't been blogging for the past 2 weeks or so & then now i see that the problem of not being able to upload photos is back.

Nvm. Since i went back to work i haven't had time to upload my photos from my BKK trip as well.

I didn't really go crazy on the shopping in BKK cuz i'm really tight on wardrobe space at home. I did buy some stuff that i'd definitely wear such as tank tops & sandals, plus a few bags. Everything there cost like 100-200 baht only, which is only at most S$10. SO freaking cheappp!!! I'm definitely going back there again soon! My dad was quite sporting abt tagging along during our shopping sprees - he managed to survive 2 hrs @ Chatuchak, which is considered quite a feat haha.

Emotionally, things r shaky at best. For the curious - X & i have decided to work things out & i know alot of effort will have to come from me. No more empty promises & no more taking him for granted. Remember the scene in 'Sex & the City: The Movie' when Carrie saw Big at the end & the moment they saw each other they embraced & somehow knew that everything btwn them wld be alright? I wish i feel that way but i don't cuz life really isn't like a movie. Nonetheless i'm really willing to make things work, as i've said so umpteen times in my blog.

During my break from work i had alot of time to reflect & whilst i dun really hv a perfect answer to explain what has happened to me, I do realise that i allowed alot of my problems to accumulate which finally caused me to breakdown. The main thing i need to do now is to take care of my emotional well-being before tackling anything else. I should learn to recognise possible triggers & build up my defense against them. Thankfully the research i've read mentioned that emotional stability will improve over time & eventually most ppl grow out of such emotional problems. That kinda makes me feel positive.

I'm really thankful that i have the support of my family & friends, & i'm also glad that Mr. X hasn't given up on me either - cuz i'm not sure i would be as magnaminous if i were in his shoes.