Whilst I'm not a big fan of celebrating anything, this Christmas will be the first that I'll be away from my family in many years. Or should I say Christmas eve, since I'll be back on Christmas Day itself. Most of my Christmases were unexciting events - usually a quiet dinner/gathering of sorts with my own family together with some extended family members or friends, yet somehow I feel a little wistful about missing Christmas eve all the same.

One thing I do hate about Christmas though, would be the maddening crowds of people at all the shopping centres doing their Christmas shopping. I'm not very good with picking out gifts, esp. for men because seriously what can you get for men? It's either a wallet, belt or a shirt. Sometimes maybe cologne. That's about the options you have and honestly, I suck at buying presents for X.

Occasion 1 - I bought a shirt from H&M for him, size Medium, and it turned out to be a tad too tight around the shoulders (what to do, the bf has nice broad shoulders la) so the shirt kinda died a natural death. To think that I actually went to several outlets just to find that shirt in that size...*shrugs*. Not anybody's fault, but still a little xianz that my effort was wasted.

Occasion 2 - Another shirt this time from Forever 21 Men when I was in the States. I specifically got Large this time, but as it turned out, the shirt was a tad loose damnit! X liked the shirt and also wore it once, but I know I could have done better. *bleah*

As such, I've shied away from buying shirts now, and I feel bad admitting that I didn't even get X anything for his birthday or Christmas. Not that I think he'd mind, but I feel like such a terrible girlfriend especially when I've received more than my fair share of gifts from him.

I've often questioned myself whether I'm not making enough effort, cuz I'm not the type of girlfriend who would bake cookies or cook a meal or write nice, mushy birthday/anniversary cards and I've not even tried doing so simply because its not who I am. I'm aware that X had an ex-girlfriend who used to do the nicest things for him and who could afford him costly presents so there are times when I'm still insecure about how I fare as a girlfriend and I don't know what I should do because if I start baking cookies etc, I kinda feel like I'm bending over backwards just to please someone else. Plus there's the little problem of me being domestically-impaired. I might just blow up my house in the process.

Maybe that's the reason why I often worry about whether X loves me JUST THE WAY I AM. I mean, I'm really as imperfect as they come. I don't have the best temper, I don't do sweet 'girlfriendly' stuff, I can't be bothered to celebrate special occasions (including my own b'day) and I don't do housework.

But on the plus side, I'm low maintenance precisely because I don't like celebrating silly things like anniversaries. I also don't make my boyfriend carry my handbag or buy me useless flowers that die in a few days. I also pick up the tab for our meals or movies from time to time cuz I don't expect the bf to be the one paying all the time.

So I don't think I'm that bad after all huh?

I conclude that a relationship can't and nor should it be measured by the material things. My language of love speaks for itself from the way I carry my heart on my sleeve. All i can give X is my love and I hope that's enough.

"All i want for Xmas is YOU."

I know this is a really super old song, but I heard it the other day and it just reminded me of how much I miss X sometimes when he's away from me & vice versa.

I guess I can get a little 'dramatic' at times but being human (and being a girl), there are times when I'm walking the streets alone in a really cold foreign country and I really yearn for his warm hand holding mine.

Moments in bed alone and I can almost imagine his legs entwined with mine and I'd think, 'how great it would be if he was here.'

These are very very personal thoughts which I've rarely shared because I like to portray myself as a tough cookie but I'm really just a regular girl at heart.

"I left my heart with you, please take care of it."

In the blink of an eye we've come close to the end of another year and whilst I'm not sure how many of us (me included) actually fulfil their annual 'New Year Resolutions', I still feel inclined to make a list for year 2011 so here it is:

(NOT in order of importance)
*Tone down my temper
*Learn swimming
*Spend more time with my family
*Have a better relationship with X
*Save more $$ and spend less on online shopping
*Practise yoga more often
*Lose 2 kg (or at least maintain my current weight)
*Learn to turn the other cheek

2010 has been another rollercoaster year for me. I've found a new job which I'm beginning to appreciate, and along with it a multitude of challenges that mainly involves juggling work and my love life. Not to be mistaken - I'm not the type of girl who's hung-up about 'relationship issues' all the time. I'm just being honest with the whole world when I say that the main challenge right now is indeed making things work with X because of our conflicting schedules. But somehow, I just have this feeling we'll work our way through it, just as we've done so with every other problem we've encountered. (Wow, that actually sounds like it came from another person, but its that elusive optimist in me speaking actually.)

Temperament wise, I'm actually pretty cool with where I stand right now because I have toned down alot during the past year. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say I've gone from an 8 or 9 all the way down to maybe a 3. I still let my anger get the better of me occasionally, but I'm working on it. Bear in mind though, that keeping my anger in control will not mean that I don't have a temper anymore because when push comes to shove, I'm not afraid of confrontation. That's just who I am because I think if I don't stand up for myself, then who will?

Which brings me to the issue of turning the other cheek. I'm aware that I'm frightfully stubborn and this trait makes people worry for me cuz they think I'm liable to say things without thinking, or rather sugar-coating it. And they're right. I cannot control myself sometimes and I will speak up in the face of seniority/authority, especially if I feel that something is strongly injustified. The libran in me can be very aggressive when it comes to fairness and I don't believe in being politically correct. It's dangerous because I work in an environment where there's a strong sense of hierarchy and expression of opinion is often taken as 'insubordination' but I think I can take care of myself. However to spare X a few less gray hairs, I will try to turn the other cheek...which will be even harder than learning to swim=/

Sounds like I've got my work cut out for me so my last resolution will be...to be able to fulfil all of New Year resolutions!
Having a relationship and keeping it going really isn't an easy task and many a time, I've reminded myself that X is in this relationship as much as I am and he too, has made many changes and sacrifices for us.

But when is enough ever enough? Why is the light that I'm supposed see at the end of the tunnel getting dimmer? We cope with every dificulty and challenge the best we can but yet I have to admit I don't really carry high hopes that everything will pan out for us. I'm weary and I don't want to fight it anymore. Maybe it's not meant to be and we're not meant to be.

I'm not trying to be difficult and on the contrary, I'm trying to be reasonable. Considering that it isn't fair for either of us to give up one thing or another to accomodate each other, I'd rather no action be taken and I'll get over whatever unhappiness there is in due time. Perhaps X and I just place a different value on the things that are involved in this equation.

Hypothetically our relationship should always come first but I don't think it's fair for X to make certain changes for our relationship because in actuality, our relationship will not be adversely affected even if he does not make that particular change. I want to be fair and by being fair, it means that no one should have to do anything unnecessary just to please the other party, especially if the problem is caused by extraneous circumstances and is by no means any of our fault. Get it??

"X, I really hope you understand."