Life has to go on with or without Mr. X & true to that, I did whatever i felt i ought to do yesterday. Attending my convocation, then going for a casting at the Arts House, meeting Ron for dinner & coffee & ending with a looong bout of drinks with Tuesday, Dusk & gf.

-_-'' I look pretty stoned in this one, esp since i turn red so easily.
The happy couple. I reminded Dusk to cherish the relationship. I dun want him to be like me cuz i didn't realise how lucky I was til I lost a good thing.

In my somewhat intoxicated state I'd asked jerilyn how she managed to regain her trust in Dusk after he lied to her (i'm not revealing details here. it'd be unethical) & she said there'll always be a doubt no matter what. But she manages not to question the doubts or something like that. Matters of the heart are really hard to explain. For me, i chose to let those niggling doubts fester & in the end i became filled with insecurity & paranoia cuz i'm a goddamn cynic. *sigh*

I'm truly remorseful but there's nothing i can do. I've added a new word in my dictionary for the 1st time - regret. Is there really no more hope?
It's supposed to be my BIG day today, but i wasn't in much of a celebratory mood. I felt like i'm in mourning instead and no, it's not my wedding, it's my convocation.

I honestly felt like the timing couldn't be worse. I didn't feel like going anywhere at all but i know i had to go on with my life as per normal if i want to get well. I got too consumed by my relationship & totally lost myself & now i want to find myself back. Not that it means i want to put this totally behind me, i still feel very strongly abt him so that's exactly why it's crucial that i show that i'm all good again. I won't be that weepy, paranoid, psychotic bitch anymore.

Anyway back to the convocation. I still managed to survive the entire somewhat boring ordeal & amazingly, i actually look pretty nice in the gown despite my puffy eyes & dark circles.

With Yanling.

Group photo time!

I'm pretty amazed that i held my composure the entire day without letting my sorrow show. Only Dusk knew so only he noticed how 'stoned' i looked. Whatever. I still think i looked pretty good anyway. Perhaps that's what years of modeling trained me for - to smile & look happy even when i'm not.

Another gd news is i'll be taking a short trip to BKK next weekend. I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself and clear my head. I dunno if I would be speaking to Mr. X before the trip, but no matter what, i'm on my road to recovery.
I feel calmer today, compared to the previous 48hrs of emotional upheaval. I still think of him constantly, & i even sent him an mms today showing my convocation ceremony and telling him how i wished he could be here. But of course, there was no reply. I didn't expect any in the 1st place.

Perhaps my heart has slowly grown numb to that pain of being abandoned & disappointed. I haven't spilled a single tear since i woke up today, which hopefully means i'm getting better. The medication also helped me sleep, so nightfall doesn't seem so scary or lonely.

I'm disappointed & a little angry at him. Whilst i admit i was largely at fault for many things, it doesn't however mean that he is blameless. Yet instead of facing up to his mistakes & taking responsibility, he took the easy way out and chose to leave me.

Pls do not think i'm strong so it's ok to hurt me. Everyone sees this bitchy, feisty, fierce side of me so they think i'm immune to pain. Mr. X saw for himself what a wreck i was when i was hospitalised 2 yrs ago but ironically, he's hurting me the same way now.

He called me yesterday after i sent a few sms-es to him & he said we can talk when he's back but honestly i dun want to talk if all he wants is to tell me his decision is final. I dun need another blow.

All i can say is - i still love him strongly despite all the sh*t. I will try to win him back by adopting necessary corrective action esp with regards to my temper. That's abt it. If he thinks he's done with it & will nvr accept me again, then it's his choice & honestly, his loss.


给我重新爱你的机会，好吗？

The most important organ in the human body is the heart. The heart pumps blood to the rest of the body such as the brain. Therefore the heart is more important than the brain cuz without the heart, one cannot function properly & this is how i feel right now.

My mom was kind enough to take me out yesterday to distract me from my unhappiness. She forced me to eat something cuz i hadn't eaten anything since Tuesday afternoon so I had some soup at Soup spoon. My brain doesn't seem to register hunger anymore. We went shopping & when i got home i just threw down my bags and jumped into bed, covering myself with the blankets and then the tears that i've been holding back the whole day just streamed down my face again.

I took the medication which was prescribed to help me relax and sleep. I dunno if it was the medication or pure exhaustion, i drifted off to sleep on the sofa at abt 11pm til 7am. I didn't even bathe or eat. I dun remember if i was ever like that - cuz i recall i still had my appetite even when i was hospitalised 2 years ago. Now i dun even know what planet i'm on.

Some people might assume he's a jerk or bas***d, but he's NOT. I'm not in denial by defending him like that cuz i've been with a total a**hole before so i recognize the difference. Mr. X stuck with me through alot of hard times even when i frequently vent my anger on him for no rhyme or reason. I simply took for granted that his love & patience were infinite. It was ME who pushed him to his limit. ME ME ME. I was so blardy self-centred and i really regret my attitude now.

Maybe someone like me just ain't cut out to be in a relationship. Somehow i take things way too seriously cuz once i'm in one, i dun want the r/s to fail. To me, it's not a failed exam which u can simply retake. I'm so scared of failure that i become 钻牛角尖。Yet its definitely not an excuse for my attitude.

My heart was broken before & it took me damn long to pick up every piece & put them back together. Now i'm left to pick up the pieces once again & to be honest i dunno if i can mend my heart this time. They say what's broken can't be fixed right?
I really can't fall asleep no matter how i try.

When i got my heart broken more than 2 yrs ago, i didn't even want to sleep cuz all i could concentrate on was the emotional pain & how desperately i wanted to make it all go away.

This is something extremely personal and i'm sharing it in detail for the first time. Judge me if you want, but I dun really care.

2 yrs ago:
I remember receiving that cruel sms from HIM. I remember i felt so shattered, i didn't cry but my whole body just shook involuntarily.
I remember going for a jog hoping to calm myself down at around 1.30am. Didn't work.
I remember breaking down & begging him to stay when i spoke to him over the phone. He hung up on me.
I remember feeling like i was pushed over the edge and i took 20-30 paracetamol tablets, a bottle of cough syrup and some wine.
I remember logging onto MSN, worrying my friends with my behavior but I insisted i felt fine and wanted to go and sleep.
I remember the waves of nausea that came and retching violently abt 2 hrs later.
My mom had to send me to the hospital after seeking the GP's advice.
I remember staying in hospital for a week and bawling my eyes out every few hours.
I remember calling him on the 2nd night and he canceled my call.
I dun really remember how i survived the entire year after that. I immersed myself in work, or hid at home. I cut myself occasionally to ease my emotional pain.
That period of recovery was the darkest days of my life. My memories are hazy but i think i had my gd days where i could forget my pain temporarily during work and i had my bad days where i hid in my room and cried or cut myself.

Now 2yrs+ later, this could well be an even darker period that i have to survive. Gone is the foolishness of thinking death could solve the problem no matter how tempting the idea seems. Yet i dun feel very certain that i have 'too much to live for'.

I used to hate it when night falls and i have to try n sleep cuz the quiet only made my mind more susceptible to thinking of the unhappy sh*t. Falling asleep was hard, but waking up was even harder when i would realize he's truly gone & the pain is still there. Now i just wanna drift off to sleep but every time i close my eyes, everything good & bad comes to mind and i feel my eyes getting hot with tears. I took promedyl again but its NOT WORKING. My heart is just pounding faster.

Dun ask me why i'm ruining myself this way. I guess i didn't learn my lesson 2 years back & now its the same story, but a different actor. I give my absolute ALL in a relationship & i get very consumed. I dunno if the previous exp made me more afraid but i always felt like i've no more room for failure/s, which is why i scrutinize every detail and try to anticipate (he calls it imagine) possible problems in the hopes of trying to avert them. But my cautiousness backfired. It simply turned me into an insecure, paranoid BITCH. Of course, finding out that he did have some things to hide didn't help the situation.

Perhaps both of us concentrated on making things work based on different aspects. Aspects that didn't hold equal importance to us. For e.g. he buys me alot of stuff, which he feels reflects that he thinks of me and loves me. For me that's purely material things which any person with $$ can buy. I could even buy it for myself.

I try to work on 'experimental solutions' to solve issues that cause us to quarrel. For e.g. He's not ard that often and now that i hv to work, i try to maximise our time tog by staying over at his place during the weekend though my somewhat conservative parents dun really approve. I also know that my temper is triggered by stress frequently these days, so now i always carry this balm with a scent that i feel calms me down a little. And i also took up my current job partly because i wanted to occupy myself so that i wouldn't let my imagination run wild too much. All my intentions no matter what, were for the good of our relationship and even though they didn't really work - i feel like i should be given credit for being willing to try all sorts of solutions. Yet he doesn't see the connection of me doing all this to improving our relationship.

So in the end both of us just frustrate the hell outta each other with our differences. Frustrate is probably putting it mildly cuz I think he hates me now. I really did give all i could, my heart, my soul, my entire being to this. Maybe that's where i did wrong - i gave too much and it's overwhelming. Yet when i love, i dunno how to do it in another way.

I don't think anybody can handle my type of love. It's crazy, it's tiring, it's full of drama. But nonetheless he was really good to me, in his way. As Jeff once told me, everyone speaks a different language of love. I regret things didn't work out but i'm still hoping we could reconcile our differences someday, when i've grown up more & acquire better coping skills, if it ain't too late.

To YOU - I'm really sorry even though i know apologies can't undo all the damage i've done. I love you in my way and i'm sorry that's the only way i know. Sorry for the pressure & strain the weight of my love has given you and I'm really hoping someday we can find a way around this.


<为什么越相信谁能依靠
越换来又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药...>

(Memories of a happy time with Mr. X. We sampled Freddie's Burger together and then we watched 'Where got Ghost?'. We played Guitar Heroes the whole night & went back to his place together the next morning. So many memories, do they not mean a thing to you anymore?)

I'm trying to deal with the situation with a calm i dun feel, & i'm trying to stop the flood of tears that trickle down my face but its hopeless. Everything has spiralled horribly out of control & it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm trapped in a bad dream somehow.

From now on I know what it's gonna feel like cuz its all too familiar. The tears, the heartache, the knot of dread at the pit of my stomach, the denial and hoping against hope and then over time, leading to resignation. I really really dread going thru this painful ordeal again. If only there was a way to skip the tears and heartache and just be numb and resigned abt everything.

It took me abt one and 1/2 years to recover previously and I have no idea how long it'll take for the wounds to heal this time. I just feel like hiding in my room and retreating from the world completely. Yet I can't cuz i have to attend my convocation on Fri and my dad's bday dinner on Sat. I will have to be there & put a smile on my face even though my heart is breaking inside. I have to put on my 'strong front' and it sucks.

I'm really confused and in despair, I'm looking for answers that i hope will ease my pain but i know there aren't any. Is it my fault? Undoubtedly. Is it his fault? Maybe to a certain extent? Do we love each other? I believe so. But maybe sometimes love just ain't enough. Maybe things just took place at the wrong place & the wrong time. Maybe what was broken couldn't be fixed. Was it because of personality differences? So many thoughts running through my mind...but none can take away the anguish I really really feel.

I feel like a pathetic fool right now because I still have my phone next to me, with my heart wishing & hoping to hear from him. I dun even mind a nasty sms from him because it shows he still cares. In my mind I'm still trying to think of solutions to make things work when i know its a lost cause. I'm still in disbelief right now that he could make a decision so swiftly to end things without any regard for the memories we shared or the love we had. I seriously wish I could be as decisive and logical as him so that I wouldn't be suffering so much. At the same time I acknowledge all responsibility for pushing him too hard.

Whatever it is, if YOU'RE reading this, I still want to make things work no matter how tough the going is and no matter what the result might be. I can wait till you're willing to accept me when I've changed for the better. I want you to know that I've never thought of giving up EVER. But if you've really decided, then goodbye.

*Are there things that u wanted to say?Do u feel me beside u in ur bed, there beside u, where i used to lay?*

Okay...I finally realised that the Blogger problem was only on my laptop, & i can't figure out why. I guess i just have to do my blogging on my home PC instead=/

First of all, HAPPY BELATED B'DAY SINGAPORE!
Although i'm not really a big fan of the NDP, i did catch some of the highlights on the news later on & the celebratory atmosphere is infectious somehow. Makes me proud to be Singaporean, & prouder still of my country. I've always known that Singapore is my home which i'll never leave no matter how colourful or exciting the huge world out there may be cuz home is where the heart is=)

Due to some events taking place this week plus the post National Day makeup holiday today, I'll only be working on Thursday & i'm super glad for some R&R this week! Gonna take the time to catch up on some sleep, as well as some reading. Got a ton of bks from the library that have been left unread for damn long, & my sis had to go renew them for me. Plus i'm gonna catch up on movies that i really wanna catch but haven due to lack of time. Not sure if 'Public Enemies' is still showing, & I wanna watch 'The Hangover' & 'Where got ghost?' too!

I went to catch 'Up' at Bishan on Sat night cuz that's Mr. X's usual haunt & for me, a chance to escape the crowds in town on a weekend. It was still blardy crowded anyway & i got into a quarrel with this disgruntled auntie who was damn KP just bcuz i took the chair from her table w/o asking at Toast Box.

Granted i should have asked whether the chair was taken anot instead of presuming it was available just bcuz her name wasn't written on it. But seriously she didn have to exclaim loudly 'that girl ah, try to take ur chair w/ asking' when the person came back from placing their order. It's seriously asking for it & i know everyone else will go 'tsk tsk' at my attitude but i don't care so i just exploded at her. That chair did not have her name on it so just get over it. It's just a f**king chair. Mr. X had to pull me away cuz he was afraid i would do some real harm to them but duh. I know the law & i won't soil my hands by going near them. Who wants to get H1N1 from a bunch of swines anyway?

"Say what u say, do what u do, feel what u feel, as long as its real.
Take what u take, give what u give, just be what u want, as long as its real."
That's just who i am.

'Up' was a really good movie & i'm glad i watched it instead of letting that unpleasant incident spoil the show for me. It was so touching & heartwarming that i cried, which is nothing surprising cuz i always cry anyway. Weird huh. I can be such a spitfire one moment, then a 'hum-bao' the next.

I know i'm a very emotional person and i express my feelings very openly. I have no intention of hiding how i feel abt anything at all and i guess this can be good or bad, depending on the situation. People have said that i'm 敢爱敢恨 and i guess they're right. Some ppl say i'm too needy when i'm in a relationship but i dun care. When i love someone i give my ALL. I've been hurt damn badly previously but still i'm like that. I will still love that person deeply without holding back & i would give my heart & soul just to make it work. But of course i only do that now if i'm sure the relationship is worth it & when my feelings r reciprocated instead of loving blindly like i used to.

Anyway Mr. X bought me some goodies from Nagoya last week.


What the hell. I really dunno if it's just me, or if Blogger really has this stupid problem that prevents ppl from uploading photos. Kinda regretting switching over from wordpress now=/
Arghhhh!

It seems like there's a recurring problem on Blogger these days that hinders users from uploading any photos/ videos & its pretty damn annoying.

Anyway I'm blogging now to get away from work just for a lil while;P

I must say that even I'm impressed with myself for adapting to a daily 9-5 routine pretty quickly, except for the 1st wk where i felt cranky due to lack of sleep. Perhaps when you find something that you like doing, its not that bad after all cuz the feeling of fulfillment outweighs most of the cons.

Admittedly modeling for events pays well but to be honest it never really felt great cuz there wasn't any sense of achievement at all. So what if u try your best to do a good job of posing for photos with the product or explaining all the specs to the customers? Does it really matter after the event is over? Plus its a toxic & superficial industry that really poisons your mind sometimes=/

I used to like modeling but i guess i'm getting old and i want something more. Whilst my current job might not be super-duper-fantastic, i'm pretty contented at the moment & i can't wait for the newsletter to be published so that i can see MY articles on an actual publication! Haha.

Plus my boss has mentioned negotiating a full-time package with me, but no exact details yet so i'm just gonna keep my fingers crossed!