My apologies for the very 'emo' entry last night, in part due to an argument with X.

Long story, just for me and him to know and figure things out ourselves. I just went out with Liping and we had so much to talk about since we haven't seen each other in a long time because our work schedules didn't allow us to meet often. We talked alot about relationships in general (even though she's not in one right now) and I came to realise midway through our conversation that honestly, nobody is perfect for somebody. We're all creatures of different habits and it takes work for a relationship to be 'sustainable' in that sense. There's give and take, and how much to give or take is subjective because it's different for every couple. There's no such thing as fair or unfair because you can't measure effort or feelings or whatever other variables there are in a relationship. The equation is just way too complicated but the rule is simple : Just make it work.

X and I would be a good example. We're similar because we're both argumentative, opinionated and stubborn. We're different because I'm not a morning person, but he likes to start the day early. I like shopping, he likes to sightsee. Yet we're also similar because we both have a passion for film and we also like lazing in bed together. What I'm trying to say is - everybody can be similar yet different in many ways so to find a perfect partner is almost impossible. You're lucky if you do find 'The One' but realistically speaking, 99% of us are struggling in relationships with different problems.

I'm gonna take a bold step and declare that my happiness project starts now. I've wasted far too much energy focusing on the negative and not enough on what I'm actually lucky to have - a great supportive family, a boyfriend who adores me, a job with great perks and basically a roof over my head and food on the table every day. I'm going to try and find happiness in what I have instead of making myself miserable with my self-doubt and angst.

I blame the fairy tales we've been fed since young for making us females believe in love. I blame the Hollywood sterotype rom-coms for making us think that there could be The One. I could blame alot of things, but most of all I blame myself because I still gave my heart away even though its already been broken too many times.

Each time my heart got smashed to pieces, I would cry my eyes out night after night. I would not eat because my body did not seem to register hunger anymore. Basically I would cry myself to sleep, then wake up and cry again. My mind searched for ways to relieve itself of the emotional pain, but the relief was always temporary and only time managed to dull the pain. The wounds heal, but the scars remain.

I would always end up telling myself that I didn't want or need another relationship anymore because they only get complicated and I didn't want the grief. I thought I would never let anyone else in anymore yet I find myself in another relationship once again hoping that 'hey, maybe this one will be different. Maybe it'll be better.'

Maybe I'm the one who screwed up. I really don't know. Maybe I'm just difficult to be with because of all my insecurities and fear of getting cheated and hurt. Maybe its too hard to understand that all I want is to feel that I'm as good as you thought I was when you didn't have me yet. But the truth as we all know, is that everybody is flawed, especially me. It's just that you didn't see the imperfections when I was out of your reach. I know you've given me many changes to redeem myself and I'm sorry that I disappointed you, that just my love isn't good enough anymore. I no longer felt needed or wanted by you long ago, and that's really what hurts me the most.