POSTED ON Monday, July 26, 2010 AT 11:44 PM \\

Disillusioned...
POSTED ON AT 11:09 PM \\
I consider myself a rather private person because even though I do blog, I usually refrain from writing about anything too personal or even if I do, I keep things ambiguous.

But there are certain things which I'll like to admit because right now, I'm simply too tired, too disillusioned to care.

Ever felt that no matter how much effort you put in, nobody seems to see it because as long as you make a mistake, no matter how small, you get faulted?

I get a sense of condemnation when that happens, and once or twice I can accept it, but when it happens ALL the time, I just can't turn the other cheek anymore. Tell me why, why should I continue trying when the person whom I care about the most doesn't care, doesn't see me anymore? All that person sees is a broken image of me, one that can never be mended again cuz the cracks will forever show.

Silly me. Day in day out, I keep trying to seal those cracks with my love and tears, hoping that somehow I could mask those cracks and become a little more perfect in his eyes again, stubbornly refusing that my efforts are in vain. But maybe it's time for a reality check.

Maybe everything is just but my wishful thinking.

Mush & musings
POSTED ON Monday, July 12, 2010 AT 11:40 PM \\
I shall not neglect my blog. I shall not neglect my blog. I shall not neglect my blog.

It's a really hard resolution to stick to when I feel like 24 hrs a day is already insufficient for all the things I need to do.

But when I think again, I'm really not as busy as some other people & I merely feel the way I do because I'm used to a more leisurely pace of life.

Overall though, I'm coping pretty well most of the time, considering. I've even been learning how to take a bus home on days when I'm not too tired. *pats myself on the back*

Chatted with X over skype when I got home today & it felt good unwinding & just talking to him even though its over a computer monitor. X sometimes annoys the hell outta me, & more often than not we've had our communication breakdowns but he's been my pillar of strength & he always gets me on track when I lose my way.

He's my movie kaki, my bitching buddy, my listening ear, my shoulder to cry on, my drama/movie download pirate, my IT support, my dietician, my pillow, my Santa Claus all rolled into one.

Enough mush.

Goodnite!

Rantings
POSTED ON Friday, July 9, 2010 AT 1:07 AM \\
I'm glad to say that the past 2 days have been pretty good, since the person who gave me a damn hard time wasn't around to bother me or anyone else.

Whoever else he's picking on, I feel damn sorry for him/her but I'm just glad it's not me anymore. *fingers crossed*

X and I will be watching 'Despicable Me' this weekend and I'm so thrilled about it! I've been wanting to catch it ever since the first time I saw the trailer. It looks so damn farnee and the characters are SOOoooOOo VERY CUTE!

I'm expecting some noisy kids in the cinema this being a cartoon & all, which is fine by me, but one thing I absolutely cannot stand is parents who bring their children to an 'age-inappropriate' movie and then allowing them to make a lot of noise throughout the show. This happened last weekend whilst I was watching 'Eclipse' & I was so damn pissed I almost wanted to confront the parents who are so f**king inconsiderate.

First of all, 'Eclipse' is definitely not a movie for kids around the age of 3 to 4 or 5 or 6 whatever the case.

Secondly, if you choose to bring your children to such a movie, at least control them.

Instead these people allowed their kids to roam freely to the front row seats and let them continuing playing as if they were at the playground.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE F**K?

I got especially irritated at the crucial points of the show, e.g. when Edward was proposing to Bella. You may snort if you're not a Twilight fan, but imagine how you would feel if it were a movie you were actually enjoying.

Parents, if you do not know how to control your children then my advice is NOT to bring them out. Leave them at home with the maid, or your in-laws whatever but I don't think it's your prerogative to assume that just because they're children it means that concession must be made for them ALL the time. Kids may not have any sense to know better but as adults, as parents, you guys ought to have at least some common sense, and some consideration for others. Otherwise you guys are not even fit to be parents AT ALL.

Tsk tsk. You may think its presumptuous of me to criticize especially when I have no kids of my own and I do not know the difficulties blah blah blah, but sorry, I DON'T REALLY CARE.

#$%@^& KNN!
POSTED ON Tuesday, July 6, 2010 AT 11:40 PM \\
It's only Wednesday tomorrow, but this is already shaping up to be the worst week I've had so far since starting my new 'job'.

I've broke down in tears 2 days in a row, and call me a crybaby if you will but this is the way I deal with my emotions.

I cry not because I'm scared, since I'm not the least bit scared by verbal threats of reporting me to my 'manager'. I cry not because I want sympathy, even if YOU are capable of mustering up some level of sympathy which I highly doubt so.

It took me every ounce of my willpower not to make a retort when confronted with a situation which made me feel that I was almost being bullied. But I have a freaking limit when it comes to tolerance and if YOU push me again, I will push back. Write to my manager if you wish, if you feel you have a case, but I'm a smart individual and I'm not afraid of any investigation with regards to my suitability for the job.

Whilst I understand that every person has a different style of delivery in teaching methods, NOT respecting me as a trainee/student means I will NOT accord you any respect as well. I will listen and absorb your teachings to the best of my ability, but I will curse & swear all the same. Being strict and being nasty is a thin line, and once I think you've crossed my line, THAT'S IT!

I'M NO F**KING PUSHOVER!!!

I don't wanna fall to pieces
POSTED ON Thursday, July 1, 2010 AT 12:24 AM \\
As everyone ought to know by now, no updates on my blog = BUSY BUSY BUSY!

I know my updates are seriously non-existent for the past one month but it's been one hectic week after another as I struggle to keep up with the pace of my new 'job'. I've hardly had any time with X, though we finally managed to squeeze out some time to catch 'Toy Story 3' last Saturday and I'm also extremely sleep deprived. On average I get about 5-6 hrs of sleep if I'm lucky, or else I make do with 3-4 hrs, which makes me function kinda erratically-_-".

As the control freak in me has deduced correctly, the transition phase of my new work has caused a rift between X and me, & I don't just mean the amount of time we actually have together. I've been highly stressed out and cranky & as a result I admit my attitude sucks sometimes. But on the other hand, X can be very un-empathetic. Enough said because this blog will not be about me airing my dirty laundry.

Being a control freak, I like to anticipate all sorts of possible scenarios and preempt undesirable things from happening but I know this isn't always a good thing. I thought I've learned to let go of my need to control every situation including love & relationships but now when confronted with uncertainties, my inner alarm has been triggered & I'm back on 'HIGH ALERT' mode.

I just care too damn much. That's just how foolhardy I am.



'Today's the day
I pray that we make it through.

Make it through the fall,
Make it through it all
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.

You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.'