I'm damn happy & relieved that F1 Singapore is finally over & I never EVER wanna work as a grid gal ever again. It may seem like an easy job to others cuz we only 'appear' for like 40mins prior to the race, but we were actually at the circuit since 9.30 in the morning working for the support races as well.

We also had to go through training to teach us how to march in formation to the pit & take our positions and we kena scolding if we screwed up during training. Plus we were roasted under the hot sun during the support races and I seriously thought my boots were gonna combust cuz it was really burning hot standing under the sun. There wasn't any form of transport to bring us from point A to B within the circuit so we had to walk in our high heels to & fro and OMG, my feet hurt so bad i wanted to cry. It really is damn bad. I have a huge blister on the sole of my right foot to prove it.

On the other hand, it is indeed exciting to see all the F1 drivers up close and it gives u this surge of adrenaline. I was holding the board with the driver's name & car number on the pit and it was for Jensen Button! I was quite happy cuz he's like currently leading the championship. Woohoo! But he didn't even glance at me or Sam when we were holding his board & flag for him=/ I guess we're like insignificant la. Whatever!

My picture's also on the official F1 website, was quite surprised & happy to see it there. Here it is:
Looks glam but its not. It's a tiring, hot, sweaty & disgusting job. I could feel beads of my perspiration trickling down my hairline and my makeup melting just standing there. But still I'm glad for this once in a lifetime experience. ONCE in a lifetime - I really wouldn't wanna do it a second time!

A few more pics coming up...will upload next time.
I feel as though i've dropped off the face of Earth for the past few days. No work, no checking of email, just eat, sleep, laze & play. Only got bothered by a pesky phonecall from some idiot who refused to make his identity known even though HE was the one who called me. Duh.

It felt so good not having to worry abt anything for that few days. My family celebrated my mom's bday with a ktv session at Kbox followed by a buffet dinner. I spent another day just curling up in bed reading a mystery thriller and then another day with Mr. X. We had lunch & watched 'The Ugly Truth' which had a predictable storyline with some laughs.

But now i'm back to reality & i'm stuck. It's like i know what i want but some irrational fear & worry is just stopping me from getting there. I really need to stop procrastinating because if i don't make that 1st move, nothing's ever gonna change & i just end up making myself unhappy.

The old Mr. X would simply tell me 'I dun see what's so difficult' etc which would piss me off cuz i would think that he didn't understand. But i realised now he was just telling me as it is, insensitive as it may be. Thankfully he's been more understanding of my anxieties since we patched things up & i know it's really up to myself to do something to change/improve the situation instead of bit*hing abt it.
I haven't been blogging for the past 2 weeks or so & then now i see that the problem of not being able to upload photos is back.

Nvm. Since i went back to work i haven't had time to upload my photos from my BKK trip as well.

I didn't really go crazy on the shopping in BKK cuz i'm really tight on wardrobe space at home. I did buy some stuff that i'd definitely wear such as tank tops & sandals, plus a few bags. Everything there cost like 100-200 baht only, which is only at most S$10. SO freaking cheappp!!! I'm definitely going back there again soon! My dad was quite sporting abt tagging along during our shopping sprees - he managed to survive 2 hrs @ Chatuchak, which is considered quite a feat haha.

Emotionally, things r shaky at best. For the curious - X & i have decided to work things out & i know alot of effort will have to come from me. No more empty promises & no more taking him for granted. Remember the scene in 'Sex & the City: The Movie' when Carrie saw Big at the end & the moment they saw each other they embraced & somehow knew that everything btwn them wld be alright? I wish i feel that way but i don't cuz life really isn't like a movie. Nonetheless i'm really willing to make things work, as i've said so umpteen times in my blog.

During my break from work i had alot of time to reflect & whilst i dun really hv a perfect answer to explain what has happened to me, I do realise that i allowed alot of my problems to accumulate which finally caused me to breakdown. The main thing i need to do now is to take care of my emotional well-being before tackling anything else. I should learn to recognise possible triggers & build up my defense against them. Thankfully the research i've read mentioned that emotional stability will improve over time & eventually most ppl grow out of such emotional problems. That kinda makes me feel positive.

I'm really thankful that i have the support of my family & friends, & i'm also glad that Mr. X hasn't given up on me either - cuz i'm not sure i would be as magnaminous if i were in his shoes.

Life has to go on with or without Mr. X & true to that, I did whatever i felt i ought to do yesterday. Attending my convocation, then going for a casting at the Arts House, meeting Ron for dinner & coffee & ending with a looong bout of drinks with Tuesday, Dusk & gf.

-_-'' I look pretty stoned in this one, esp since i turn red so easily.
The happy couple. I reminded Dusk to cherish the relationship. I dun want him to be like me cuz i didn't realise how lucky I was til I lost a good thing.

In my somewhat intoxicated state I'd asked jerilyn how she managed to regain her trust in Dusk after he lied to her (i'm not revealing details here. it'd be unethical) & she said there'll always be a doubt no matter what. But she manages not to question the doubts or something like that. Matters of the heart are really hard to explain. For me, i chose to let those niggling doubts fester & in the end i became filled with insecurity & paranoia cuz i'm a goddamn cynic. *sigh*

I'm truly remorseful but there's nothing i can do. I've added a new word in my dictionary for the 1st time - regret. Is there really no more hope?
It's supposed to be my BIG day today, but i wasn't in much of a celebratory mood. I felt like i'm in mourning instead and no, it's not my wedding, it's my convocation.

I honestly felt like the timing couldn't be worse. I didn't feel like going anywhere at all but i know i had to go on with my life as per normal if i want to get well. I got too consumed by my relationship & totally lost myself & now i want to find myself back. Not that it means i want to put this totally behind me, i still feel very strongly abt him so that's exactly why it's crucial that i show that i'm all good again. I won't be that weepy, paranoid, psychotic bitch anymore.

Anyway back to the convocation. I still managed to survive the entire somewhat boring ordeal & amazingly, i actually look pretty nice in the gown despite my puffy eyes & dark circles.

With Yanling.

Group photo time!

I'm pretty amazed that i held my composure the entire day without letting my sorrow show. Only Dusk knew so only he noticed how 'stoned' i looked. Whatever. I still think i looked pretty good anyway. Perhaps that's what years of modeling trained me for - to smile & look happy even when i'm not.

Another gd news is i'll be taking a short trip to BKK next weekend. I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself and clear my head. I dunno if I would be speaking to Mr. X before the trip, but no matter what, i'm on my road to recovery.
I feel calmer today, compared to the previous 48hrs of emotional upheaval. I still think of him constantly, & i even sent him an mms today showing my convocation ceremony and telling him how i wished he could be here. But of course, there was no reply. I didn't expect any in the 1st place.

Perhaps my heart has slowly grown numb to that pain of being abandoned & disappointed. I haven't spilled a single tear since i woke up today, which hopefully means i'm getting better. The medication also helped me sleep, so nightfall doesn't seem so scary or lonely.

I'm disappointed & a little angry at him. Whilst i admit i was largely at fault for many things, it doesn't however mean that he is blameless. Yet instead of facing up to his mistakes & taking responsibility, he took the easy way out and chose to leave me.

Pls do not think i'm strong so it's ok to hurt me. Everyone sees this bitchy, feisty, fierce side of me so they think i'm immune to pain. Mr. X saw for himself what a wreck i was when i was hospitalised 2 yrs ago but ironically, he's hurting me the same way now.

He called me yesterday after i sent a few sms-es to him & he said we can talk when he's back but honestly i dun want to talk if all he wants is to tell me his decision is final. I dun need another blow.

All i can say is - i still love him strongly despite all the sh*t. I will try to win him back by adopting necessary corrective action esp with regards to my temper. That's abt it. If he thinks he's done with it & will nvr accept me again, then it's his choice & honestly, his loss.