Life has to go on with or without Mr. X & true to that, I did whatever i felt i ought to do yesterday. Attending my convocation, then going for a casting at the Arts House, meeting Ron for dinner & coffee & ending with a looong bout of drinks with Tuesday, Dusk & gf.

-_-'' I look pretty stoned in this one, esp since i turn red so easily.
The happy couple. I reminded Dusk to cherish the relationship. I dun want him to be like me cuz i didn't realise how lucky I was til I lost a good thing.

In my somewhat intoxicated state I'd asked jerilyn how she managed to regain her trust in Dusk after he lied to her (i'm not revealing details here. it'd be unethical) & she said there'll always be a doubt no matter what. But she manages not to question the doubts or something like that. Matters of the heart are really hard to explain. For me, i chose to let those niggling doubts fester & in the end i became filled with insecurity & paranoia cuz i'm a goddamn cynic. *sigh*

I'm truly remorseful but there's nothing i can do. I've added a new word in my dictionary for the 1st time - regret. Is there really no more hope?
It's supposed to be my BIG day today, but i wasn't in much of a celebratory mood. I felt like i'm in mourning instead and no, it's not my wedding, it's my convocation.

I honestly felt like the timing couldn't be worse. I didn't feel like going anywhere at all but i know i had to go on with my life as per normal if i want to get well. I got too consumed by my relationship & totally lost myself & now i want to find myself back. Not that it means i want to put this totally behind me, i still feel very strongly abt him so that's exactly why it's crucial that i show that i'm all good again. I won't be that weepy, paranoid, psychotic bitch anymore.

Anyway back to the convocation. I still managed to survive the entire somewhat boring ordeal & amazingly, i actually look pretty nice in the gown despite my puffy eyes & dark circles.

With Yanling.

Group photo time!

I'm pretty amazed that i held my composure the entire day without letting my sorrow show. Only Dusk knew so only he noticed how 'stoned' i looked. Whatever. I still think i looked pretty good anyway. Perhaps that's what years of modeling trained me for - to smile & look happy even when i'm not.

Another gd news is i'll be taking a short trip to BKK next weekend. I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself and clear my head. I dunno if I would be speaking to Mr. X before the trip, but no matter what, i'm on my road to recovery.
I feel calmer today, compared to the previous 48hrs of emotional upheaval. I still think of him constantly, & i even sent him an mms today showing my convocation ceremony and telling him how i wished he could be here. But of course, there was no reply. I didn't expect any in the 1st place.

Perhaps my heart has slowly grown numb to that pain of being abandoned & disappointed. I haven't spilled a single tear since i woke up today, which hopefully means i'm getting better. The medication also helped me sleep, so nightfall doesn't seem so scary or lonely.

I'm disappointed & a little angry at him. Whilst i admit i was largely at fault for many things, it doesn't however mean that he is blameless. Yet instead of facing up to his mistakes & taking responsibility, he took the easy way out and chose to leave me.

Pls do not think i'm strong so it's ok to hurt me. Everyone sees this bitchy, feisty, fierce side of me so they think i'm immune to pain. Mr. X saw for himself what a wreck i was when i was hospitalised 2 yrs ago but ironically, he's hurting me the same way now.

He called me yesterday after i sent a few sms-es to him & he said we can talk when he's back but honestly i dun want to talk if all he wants is to tell me his decision is final. I dun need another blow.

All i can say is - i still love him strongly despite all the sh*t. I will try to win him back by adopting necessary corrective action esp with regards to my temper. That's abt it. If he thinks he's done with it & will nvr accept me again, then it's his choice & honestly, his loss.


给我重新爱你的机会，好吗？

The most important organ in the human body is the heart. The heart pumps blood to the rest of the body such as the brain. Therefore the heart is more important than the brain cuz without the heart, one cannot function properly & this is how i feel right now.

My mom was kind enough to take me out yesterday to distract me from my unhappiness. She forced me to eat something cuz i hadn't eaten anything since Tuesday afternoon so I had some soup at Soup spoon. My brain doesn't seem to register hunger anymore. We went shopping & when i got home i just threw down my bags and jumped into bed, covering myself with the blankets and then the tears that i've been holding back the whole day just streamed down my face again.

I took the medication which was prescribed to help me relax and sleep. I dunno if it was the medication or pure exhaustion, i drifted off to sleep on the sofa at abt 11pm til 7am. I didn't even bathe or eat. I dun remember if i was ever like that - cuz i recall i still had my appetite even when i was hospitalised 2 years ago. Now i dun even know what planet i'm on.

Some people might assume he's a jerk or bas***d, but he's NOT. I'm not in denial by defending him like that cuz i've been with a total a**hole before so i recognize the difference. Mr. X stuck with me through alot of hard times even when i frequently vent my anger on him for no rhyme or reason. I simply took for granted that his love & patience were infinite. It was ME who pushed him to his limit. ME ME ME. I was so blardy self-centred and i really regret my attitude now.

Maybe someone like me just ain't cut out to be in a relationship. Somehow i take things way too seriously cuz once i'm in one, i dun want the r/s to fail. To me, it's not a failed exam which u can simply retake. I'm so scared of failure that i become 钻牛角尖。Yet its definitely not an excuse for my attitude.

My heart was broken before & it took me damn long to pick up every piece & put them back together. Now i'm left to pick up the pieces once again & to be honest i dunno if i can mend my heart this time. They say what's broken can't be fixed right?