Gonna be free on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday since X will be away (as usual), and I won't be seeing him all the way til one week later. I used to HATE it whenever this happens to the point where I'll even get kinda 'emo' but throughout the years I guess I've gotten more or less used to it.

It's not so much as being independent because I am definitely not a 'clingy' type female who needs to be with the bf 24/7. God forbid, but there are times when seeing X on an average of 4 times a month doesn't feel like enough. I've told other people who are kinda perturbed that I actually don't make demands for more time together, but the truth is I knew what I was in for when I wanted to be with X so who am I to begrudge him right? I know he makes up for it in his way by showering me with gifts, though what I really want is just for him to be more sensitive towards my emotional well-being. But him being him, logic comes first and he tends to suffer the 'foot-in-mouth' syndrome and unwittingly hurts my feelings.

Anyway what I'm really trying to say is that I've forgiven him for the last boo-boo in my previous entry. I can't really stay mad at him for long and I know it's the same for him so try as I might, we can't stay away from each other. We just spent 5 days of leave together and 2 days of it was on a staycation at our very own Sentosa Island! We did nothing special but I didn't mind it one bit because I enjoyed every moment just lazing around with him, or holding his hand strolling down the beach. To me, that's utter bliss.

I guess I just have to remember this blissful feeling whenever I feel down that X ain't by my side and for the zillionth time, I will try to remain positive...til I get to see X again!
Had such a terrible day.

I'd come home from work really upset and I'd thought that telling X about it would provide me some relief. WRONG move. Talking to X only exacerbated the situation.

I know that X wants a confident woman who can take on the world and everything else that comes along in stride. Someone who probably wouldn't call him sobbing over the phone bitching incoherently about someone who had bullied her at work.

Maybe to him, that's the sort of weakness that he despises. It's probably deemed as an inconvenience he doesn't like dealing with. So perhaps his response was justified. He simply asked me 'Is that all?' after I had spent 5 mins crying to him. And at that moment I knew. I knew he'd never care the way he promised he would when we weren't together yet. So I hung up on him and cried some more. In fact I think I cried the entire day. I cried myself to sleep, and a few hours later I woke up feeling this emptiness in me. With all this crying I ended up with a headache, swollen eyes and just a really spaced-out feeling. And for what? When he probably spent the past 12 hours without thinking of me at all.

X is a good man. He really is. He stuck by me through a really dark period of time, even when I was at my worst. He's also really generous, always buying my gifts and paying the tab. He can be sweet, and he's smart, attractive and on his way to success in life. Like my friends said, 'he's one of the best guys I've ever met.' So I guess this means that I'm just not good enough for him.

I know that X will do very well without me in his life because I don't make a difference. So do I hang on because I love him so much or do I go because I should be smart enough to know when I'm not needed?


"Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love.
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come.
I have to go, I have to go, I have to go & leave you alone.
But always know, always know, always know...
that I love you so.
I love you so."

I must say that Avril's latest album is really great and I'm sorry to have missed her recent concert here, cuz there are so many great songs which I would have loved to hear her perform! Oh well, there will be a next time I guess.
Meanwhile enjoy this song, it's called 'Not Enough'.
Didn't feel very good today because I felt reaaalllly tired so I was extremely temperamental towards X when I met him. The truth is, I know I wouldn't be seeing him for quite awhile again and the pang of separation had hit me even before it had actually happened=(

Yet seeing all these pictures from our holiday together in March kinda lifted my spirits because whilst the holiday hadn't really been all that smooth-sailing, I still cherish our moments together...which seems to be getting rarer and rarer. *sighs*

I only wish for more time with X, because as someone pointed out to me, meeting each other on an average of 4 times a month isn't very healthy for our relationship. I agree. In fact, it's DETRIMENTAL. But instead of bitching about it all the time, I've decided to be a little more proactive in doing something about it.

Here are the pictures that made me smile, and also reminded me of how much I love X and how lucky we are to have each other=)





















And I just found another song I love. It's for you, X.


You're the sweet dreams that soothe me
when I can't fall asleep.
You're the field
in the middle of the city.
When I'm rushing by
at the speed of light.

You're the strong resolution
when I find no peace.
You're the church bells ringing
in the evening.
When all is quiet,
You whisper comfort
lifts my heart.
I get so weak.

Ohhh.... You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe."
Dedicating this song to X =)



It's from Avril's latest album and this song is 'I love you'. Yeah kinda cheesy I know, but I like the lyrics...

"I'm not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we've been through
And that's why I love you."

I blame the fairy tales we've been fed since young for making us females believe in love. I blame the Hollywood sterotype rom-coms for making us think that there could be The One. I could blame alot of things, but most of all I blame myself because I still gave my heart away even though its already been broken too many times.

Each time my heart got smashed to pieces, I would cry my eyes out night after night. I would not eat because my body did not seem to register hunger anymore. Basically I would cry myself to sleep, then wake up and cry again. My mind searched for ways to relieve itself of the emotional pain, but the relief was always temporary and only time managed to dull the pain. The wounds heal, but the scars remain.

I would always end up telling myself that I didn't want or need another relationship anymore because they only get complicated and I didn't want the grief. I thought I would never let anyone else in anymore yet I find myself in another relationship once again hoping that 'hey, maybe this one will be different. Maybe it'll be better.'

Maybe I'm the one who screwed up. I really don't know. Maybe I'm just difficult to be with because of all my insecurities and fear of getting cheated and hurt. Maybe its too hard to understand that all I want is to feel that I'm as good as you thought I was when you didn't have me yet. But the truth as we all know, is that everybody is flawed, especially me. It's just that you didn't see the imperfections when I was out of your reach. I know you've given me many changes to redeem myself and I'm sorry that I disappointed you, that just my love isn't good enough anymore. I no longer felt needed or wanted by you long ago, and that's really what hurts me the most.