I blame the fairy tales we've been fed since young for making us females believe in love. I blame the Hollywood sterotype rom-coms for making us think that there could be The One. I could blame alot of things, but most of all I blame myself because I still gave my heart away even though its already been broken too many times.

Each time my heart got smashed to pieces, I would cry my eyes out night after night. I would not eat because my body did not seem to register hunger anymore. Basically I would cry myself to sleep, then wake up and cry again. My mind searched for ways to relieve itself of the emotional pain, but the relief was always temporary and only time managed to dull the pain. The wounds heal, but the scars remain.

I would always end up telling myself that I didn't want or need another relationship anymore because they only get complicated and I didn't want the grief. I thought I would never let anyone else in anymore yet I find myself in another relationship once again hoping that 'hey, maybe this one will be different. Maybe it'll be better.'

Maybe I'm the one who screwed up. I really don't know. Maybe I'm just difficult to be with because of all my insecurities and fear of getting cheated and hurt. Maybe its too hard to understand that all I want is to feel that I'm as good as you thought I was when you didn't have me yet. But the truth as we all know, is that everybody is flawed, especially me. It's just that you didn't see the imperfections when I was out of your reach. I know you've given me many changes to redeem myself and I'm sorry that I disappointed you, that just my love isn't good enough anymore. I no longer felt needed or wanted by you long ago, and that's really what hurts me the most.




There's no holding on anymore. Cuz it's pointless when I'm the only one who wants to do so.
Random pictures of everything I wanted to blog about but never got down to doing so...





To those who think Valentine's Day is a big deal - Happy Belated Valentine's Day.

Personally I'm not into celebrating occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays, so it comes as no surprise that I think Valentine's Day is kinda, well, stupid. No offense, but isn't Valentine's day just some ruse that a scheming sales company cooked up to line their own pockets?

It's been my third year together with X now and come to think of it, we've never celebrated Valentine's Day and I actually spent yesterday alone in a cold, foreign country watching TV in my hotel room.

Even worse, I had an argument with X over skype that left me in tears and self-doubt once again. For those of you reading this, I'm not in a 'self-pity' mode just because I had to be alone on Valentine's Day. I'm only sorry that I quarreled with X and I hate myself for doubting myself once again.

When we argued yesterday X said that I'm 'consisently defiant' and I was really hurt by the comment. Not because the comment wasn't true - but because he knew that was what I'd always been like even before we got together and yet he loathes my 'defiance' now.

I'm very aware of the shortcomings I have - I'm SUPER stubborn, hot-headed,argumentative, impulsive, angsty and brutally honest amongst alot of other things. I'm not docile, sweet, 'sunshiney', I don't have a placid nature and I give sh*t to other people who try to give me crap.

So I suck and I made this very clear to X when he wanted to be with me and I didn't want to be with him. But his persistence finally won me over after a year and even though most of the time now we're very happy - I can't help but wonder if he really wants to be with someone like me for the rest of his life.

I know X is sorry for the things he said and I know he's worried that my so-called 'defiance' will land me in trouble someday, but this self-doubt isn't something that goes away with an apology. Most of the time I feel some sort of inadequacy within myself and maybe that's why I always feel like our relationship isn't very healthy or balanced.

It's like I want him more than he wants me.
I have not seen X in a long time and the first thing that happened when I got to speak to him was a small argument between us.

It was all so silly actually...I wanted him to come out and meet me today but a part of me knew that X was really tired after work and needed his rest. That part of me wanted to seem like an understanding girlfriend but yet another part of me felt bummed. I don't want to be like the unreasonable girlfriend who throws a tantrum just to get her boyfriend to meet her but my inner devil was whispering in my ear, 'What? He could have met you but he doesn't want to! He probably doesn't miss you as much...tsk!'

I tried to keep my feelings to myself which obviously still showed cuz X was puzzled by my erratic behavior so we argued before I finally told him the real reason why I was unhappy. I was actually on the verge of tears because I just missed him SO damn much that as much as I hadn't wanted to seem too demanding I just couldn't help myself.

So anyways X apologised and rushed down to meet me and we had a great dinner plus dessert after that. *ahem* The real dessert, not sex if that's what you're thinking. All I really really wanna say is I love X alot. There are conflicting emotions within me at times, especially when we have these quarrels but at the end of the day we manage to work out our problems together and I wouldn't exchange what we have for anything else in the world.

So this song is for him.




"I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again..."

I really can't promise that there won't be any more arguments in future but I can promise to keep holding onto what we share.
My first post of 2011 and I know it should have come sooner but what to do, I was down with a sore throat plus flu plus an annoying dry cough for like a whole month? One symptom would go away and then another would start and the cough was the worst cuz I would not be able to sleep sometimes with that tickling sensation at the back of my throat. Now I'm feeling all better and I hope to stay healthy for the rest of the year! *fingers crossed*

I'm also stalling with the updates due to a 'technical glitch' because ever since I had my new Samsung Galaxy S, I'm clueless about transferring the photos from the phone to my computer. I would plug in my phone, open up the files and I simply CANNOT find the current pics that I want-_-". All the old photos are there, but I don't see any folder with my new pictures in it so I was complaining to X about it the other day and he promised to see what he can do about it. Ain't love grand? Well, it offers you IT support in my case, which is a pretty good deal haha!

But seriously though, X really means alot to me. He's not just some guy who fixes my IT problems, he fixes every problem I have in my life. He makes sure I eat proper meals, gives me hugs when I need them, pampers me with gifts both big and small, listens to me when I need to vent, goes shopping with me without complaint and he's just really good to me. Apart from my family and my close friends, he's probably the best thing in my life right now.

You've probably noticed I said the words 'right now' and I say that because there was a long time ago when alot of sh*t happened. Tears were shed, hearts were broken, there was mayhem all the time but at least now that part is OVER. I still worry over the imperfect parts of our relationship but now I do understand that no relationship is perfect. I guess I need to quit worrying and just be MYSELF.

Have a great 2011 ahead people! I plan to have a great year with my family, friends and of course Mr. X=D