Depressed.
POSTED ON Sunday, December 23, 2012 AT 4:27 AM \\
Feeling really down right now as I'm writing this.
More than 4 years ago I was at a very low point in life. Lots of family and relationship problems, anger management issues and I had no direction. I felt very lost then and even suffered panic attacks. I'm really glad I've moved on from that really dark period but of late, it seems that I've been getting those feelings all over again. Not so much feelings of anxiety or panic, but just a lack of enthusiasm for life.
As you all may know, I'm getting married next month and to be honest, I'm not in a celebratory mood at all. Am I happy? I don't know. All I wanted to do was sign some papers and get on with life but everybody wants to have a say in all the proceedings so in the end the simplicity was lost. The dress I got is not right, the bridal shoes aren't right either. I'm not loving any of it. The dinner that we're having isn't my idea but to make my mom happy I'm going along with it. Had a bunch of arguments with X over this and God, it seems like no one really cares about what the bride wants. No one bothered about MY feelings and on numerous occasions I cried because it was so tough trying to please everybody.
I've been feeling really tired physically too and as a friend pointed out, it could be work-related stress that's sapping my energy. You know what? That's life. You have to work because there are bills to pay so suck it up. I complain a lot but I get my job done. However I cannot change the way I am physically affected. I'm lethargic and I have no energy for anything. The things I used to enjoy like yoga? No way. Just the thought of waking up to go for yoga class is torture. And my sex drive is next to zero. I know X hates the fact that I'm so open with all these personal stuff but whatever. This is my way of airing my grievances and just a form of release for me. Better than mutilating myself like what I used to do right? I feel sorry that I've been nasty to X because of all the negativity in me, I even suggested calling off the wedding because I'm not sure of anything right now.
I'm feeling spent. Like every ounce of zest, energy and life has been sucked out of me. Tomorrow when I wake up it will be another day of battle, another day of meaningless work. Goodnight.
More than 4 years ago I was at a very low point in life. Lots of family and relationship problems, anger management issues and I had no direction. I felt very lost then and even suffered panic attacks. I'm really glad I've moved on from that really dark period but of late, it seems that I've been getting those feelings all over again. Not so much feelings of anxiety or panic, but just a lack of enthusiasm for life.
As you all may know, I'm getting married next month and to be honest, I'm not in a celebratory mood at all. Am I happy? I don't know. All I wanted to do was sign some papers and get on with life but everybody wants to have a say in all the proceedings so in the end the simplicity was lost. The dress I got is not right, the bridal shoes aren't right either. I'm not loving any of it. The dinner that we're having isn't my idea but to make my mom happy I'm going along with it. Had a bunch of arguments with X over this and God, it seems like no one really cares about what the bride wants. No one bothered about MY feelings and on numerous occasions I cried because it was so tough trying to please everybody.
I've been feeling really tired physically too and as a friend pointed out, it could be work-related stress that's sapping my energy. You know what? That's life. You have to work because there are bills to pay so suck it up. I complain a lot but I get my job done. However I cannot change the way I am physically affected. I'm lethargic and I have no energy for anything. The things I used to enjoy like yoga? No way. Just the thought of waking up to go for yoga class is torture. And my sex drive is next to zero. I know X hates the fact that I'm so open with all these personal stuff but whatever. This is my way of airing my grievances and just a form of release for me. Better than mutilating myself like what I used to do right? I feel sorry that I've been nasty to X because of all the negativity in me, I even suggested calling off the wedding because I'm not sure of anything right now.
I'm feeling spent. Like every ounce of zest, energy and life has been sucked out of me. Tomorrow when I wake up it will be another day of battle, another day of meaningless work. Goodnight.
