To those who think Valentine's Day is a big deal - Happy Belated Valentine's Day.

Personally I'm not into celebrating occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays, so it comes as no surprise that I think Valentine's Day is kinda, well, stupid. No offense, but isn't Valentine's day just some ruse that a scheming sales company cooked up to line their own pockets?

It's been my third year together with X now and come to think of it, we've never celebrated Valentine's Day and I actually spent yesterday alone in a cold, foreign country watching TV in my hotel room.

Even worse, I had an argument with X over skype that left me in tears and self-doubt once again. For those of you reading this, I'm not in a 'self-pity' mode just because I had to be alone on Valentine's Day. I'm only sorry that I quarreled with X and I hate myself for doubting myself once again.

When we argued yesterday X said that I'm 'consisently defiant' and I was really hurt by the comment. Not because the comment wasn't true - but because he knew that was what I'd always been like even before we got together and yet he loathes my 'defiance' now.

I'm very aware of the shortcomings I have - I'm SUPER stubborn, hot-headed,argumentative, impulsive, angsty and brutally honest amongst alot of other things. I'm not docile, sweet, 'sunshiney', I don't have a placid nature and I give sh*t to other people who try to give me crap.

So I suck and I made this very clear to X when he wanted to be with me and I didn't want to be with him. But his persistence finally won me over after a year and even though most of the time now we're very happy - I can't help but wonder if he really wants to be with someone like me for the rest of his life.

I know X is sorry for the things he said and I know he's worried that my so-called 'defiance' will land me in trouble someday, but this self-doubt isn't something that goes away with an apology. Most of the time I feel some sort of inadequacy within myself and maybe that's why I always feel like our relationship isn't very healthy or balanced.

It's like I want him more than he wants me.