Whilst I'm not a big fan of celebrating anything, this Christmas will be the first that I'll be away from my family in many years. Or should I say Christmas eve, since I'll be back on Christmas Day itself. Most of my Christmases were unexciting events - usually a quiet dinner/gathering of sorts with my own family together with some extended family members or friends, yet somehow I feel a little wistful about missing Christmas eve all the same.

One thing I do hate about Christmas though, would be the maddening crowds of people at all the shopping centres doing their Christmas shopping. I'm not very good with picking out gifts, esp. for men because seriously what can you get for men? It's either a wallet, belt or a shirt. Sometimes maybe cologne. That's about the options you have and honestly, I suck at buying presents for X.

Occasion 1 - I bought a shirt from H&M for him, size Medium, and it turned out to be a tad too tight around the shoulders (what to do, the bf has nice broad shoulders la) so the shirt kinda died a natural death. To think that I actually went to several outlets just to find that shirt in that size...*shrugs*. Not anybody's fault, but still a little xianz that my effort was wasted.

Occasion 2 - Another shirt this time from Forever 21 Men when I was in the States. I specifically got Large this time, but as it turned out, the shirt was a tad loose damnit! X liked the shirt and also wore it once, but I know I could have done better. *bleah*

As such, I've shied away from buying shirts now, and I feel bad admitting that I didn't even get X anything for his birthday or Christmas. Not that I think he'd mind, but I feel like such a terrible girlfriend especially when I've received more than my fair share of gifts from him.

I've often questioned myself whether I'm not making enough effort, cuz I'm not the type of girlfriend who would bake cookies or cook a meal or write nice, mushy birthday/anniversary cards and I've not even tried doing so simply because its not who I am. I'm aware that X had an ex-girlfriend who used to do the nicest things for him and who could afford him costly presents so there are times when I'm still insecure about how I fare as a girlfriend and I don't know what I should do because if I start baking cookies etc, I kinda feel like I'm bending over backwards just to please someone else. Plus there's the little problem of me being domestically-impaired. I might just blow up my house in the process.

Maybe that's the reason why I often worry about whether X loves me JUST THE WAY I AM. I mean, I'm really as imperfect as they come. I don't have the best temper, I don't do sweet 'girlfriendly' stuff, I can't be bothered to celebrate special occasions (including my own b'day) and I don't do housework.

But on the plus side, I'm low maintenance precisely because I don't like celebrating silly things like anniversaries. I also don't make my boyfriend carry my handbag or buy me useless flowers that die in a few days. I also pick up the tab for our meals or movies from time to time cuz I don't expect the bf to be the one paying all the time.

So I don't think I'm that bad after all huh?

I conclude that a relationship can't and nor should it be measured by the material things. My language of love speaks for itself from the way I carry my heart on my sleeve. All i can give X is my love and I hope that's enough.

"All i want for Xmas is YOU."