The need for space for me has been a rising issue these days. Various problems in different forms, big or small, have been cropping up and growing up now, it seems like my mental state of mind is no longer able to turn a blind eye to things that I may have previously chosen to ignore because I thought I had no choice but to do so.

But now that I'm older but perhaps none the wiser to some, I'm beginning to ponder ways of possible escape. Some people may think that avoidance doesn't solve anything, but the way I see it - having some physical distance is better than being stifled.

I grew up in an environment that was filled with uncertainty, negativity, fear and like any other kid I thought that was a normal environment. Someone used the word 'abusive' to describe my childhood years & I vehemently disagreed. But a recent incident has made me realize that I might need to re-evaluate my opinion. That perhaps physical violence is indeed a form of abuse, no matter what the trigger was or how frequent OR infrequent it may be.

It's an uphill struggle for me to control my emotions, and specifically my anger cuz I remember watching by example from a tender age that when you're angry it's normal to scream and yell, it's normal to smash things and use force. Hell it was the only way I knew how to vent my anger and I learnt by imitating since I was a kid.

It's only in recent years that I'd finally recognize my bad temper as a problem & decided that I WANT TO CHANGE. But changing a behavioral pattern that you've cultivated for 20 over years with the help of nature & nurture is like a drug addict trying to go cold turkey. It's damn difficult but I still want to do it for myself, for who I love and also because I don't want to be anything like that destructive force that dominated my whole life since young.

I AM NOT YOU.