I really can't fall asleep no matter how i try.

When i got my heart broken more than 2 yrs ago, i didn't even want to sleep cuz all i could concentrate on was the emotional pain & how desperately i wanted to make it all go away.

This is something extremely personal and i'm sharing it in detail for the first time. Judge me if you want, but I dun really care.

2 yrs ago:
I remember receiving that cruel sms from HIM. I remember i felt so shattered, i didn't cry but my whole body just shook involuntarily.
I remember going for a jog hoping to calm myself down at around 1.30am. Didn't work.
I remember breaking down & begging him to stay when i spoke to him over the phone. He hung up on me.
I remember feeling like i was pushed over the edge and i took 20-30 paracetamol tablets, a bottle of cough syrup and some wine.
I remember logging onto MSN, worrying my friends with my behavior but I insisted i felt fine and wanted to go and sleep.
I remember the waves of nausea that came and retching violently abt 2 hrs later.
My mom had to send me to the hospital after seeking the GP's advice.
I remember staying in hospital for a week and bawling my eyes out every few hours.
I remember calling him on the 2nd night and he canceled my call.
I dun really remember how i survived the entire year after that. I immersed myself in work, or hid at home. I cut myself occasionally to ease my emotional pain.
That period of recovery was the darkest days of my life. My memories are hazy but i think i had my gd days where i could forget my pain temporarily during work and i had my bad days where i hid in my room and cried or cut myself.

Now 2yrs+ later, this could well be an even darker period that i have to survive. Gone is the foolishness of thinking death could solve the problem no matter how tempting the idea seems. Yet i dun feel very certain that i have 'too much to live for'.

I used to hate it when night falls and i have to try n sleep cuz the quiet only made my mind more susceptible to thinking of the unhappy sh*t. Falling asleep was hard, but waking up was even harder when i would realize he's truly gone & the pain is still there. Now i just wanna drift off to sleep but every time i close my eyes, everything good & bad comes to mind and i feel my eyes getting hot with tears. I took promedyl again but its NOT WORKING. My heart is just pounding faster.

Dun ask me why i'm ruining myself this way. I guess i didn't learn my lesson 2 years back & now its the same story, but a different actor. I give my absolute ALL in a relationship & i get very consumed. I dunno if the previous exp made me more afraid but i always felt like i've no more room for failure/s, which is why i scrutinize every detail and try to anticipate (he calls it imagine) possible problems in the hopes of trying to avert them. But my cautiousness backfired. It simply turned me into an insecure, paranoid BITCH. Of course, finding out that he did have some things to hide didn't help the situation.

Perhaps both of us concentrated on making things work based on different aspects. Aspects that didn't hold equal importance to us. For e.g. he buys me alot of stuff, which he feels reflects that he thinks of me and loves me. For me that's purely material things which any person with $$ can buy. I could even buy it for myself.

I try to work on 'experimental solutions' to solve issues that cause us to quarrel. For e.g. He's not ard that often and now that i hv to work, i try to maximise our time tog by staying over at his place during the weekend though my somewhat conservative parents dun really approve. I also know that my temper is triggered by stress frequently these days, so now i always carry this balm with a scent that i feel calms me down a little. And i also took up my current job partly because i wanted to occupy myself so that i wouldn't let my imagination run wild too much. All my intentions no matter what, were for the good of our relationship and even though they didn't really work - i feel like i should be given credit for being willing to try all sorts of solutions. Yet he doesn't see the connection of me doing all this to improving our relationship.

So in the end both of us just frustrate the hell outta each other with our differences. Frustrate is probably putting it mildly cuz I think he hates me now. I really did give all i could, my heart, my soul, my entire being to this. Maybe that's where i did wrong - i gave too much and it's overwhelming. Yet when i love, i dunno how to do it in another way.

I don't think anybody can handle my type of love. It's crazy, it's tiring, it's full of drama. But nonetheless he was really good to me, in his way. As Jeff once told me, everyone speaks a different language of love. I regret things didn't work out but i'm still hoping we could reconcile our differences someday, when i've grown up more & acquire better coping skills, if it ain't too late.

To YOU - I'm really sorry even though i know apologies can't undo all the damage i've done. I love you in my way and i'm sorry that's the only way i know. Sorry for the pressure & strain the weight of my love has given you and I'm really hoping someday we can find a way around this.