(Memories of a happy time with Mr. X. We sampled Freddie's Burger together and then we watched 'Where got Ghost?'. We played Guitar Heroes the whole night & went back to his place together the next morning. So many memories, do they not mean a thing to you anymore?)

I'm trying to deal with the situation with a calm i dun feel, & i'm trying to stop the flood of tears that trickle down my face but its hopeless. Everything has spiralled horribly out of control & it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm trapped in a bad dream somehow.

From now on I know what it's gonna feel like cuz its all too familiar. The tears, the heartache, the knot of dread at the pit of my stomach, the denial and hoping against hope and then over time, leading to resignation. I really really dread going thru this painful ordeal again. If only there was a way to skip the tears and heartache and just be numb and resigned abt everything.

It took me abt one and 1/2 years to recover previously and I have no idea how long it'll take for the wounds to heal this time. I just feel like hiding in my room and retreating from the world completely. Yet I can't cuz i have to attend my convocation on Fri and my dad's bday dinner on Sat. I will have to be there & put a smile on my face even though my heart is breaking inside. I have to put on my 'strong front' and it sucks.

I'm really confused and in despair, I'm looking for answers that i hope will ease my pain but i know there aren't any. Is it my fault? Undoubtedly. Is it his fault? Maybe to a certain extent? Do we love each other? I believe so. But maybe sometimes love just ain't enough. Maybe things just took place at the wrong place & the wrong time. Maybe what was broken couldn't be fixed. Was it because of personality differences? So many thoughts running through my mind...but none can take away the anguish I really really feel.

I feel like a pathetic fool right now because I still have my phone next to me, with my heart wishing & hoping to hear from him. I dun even mind a nasty sms from him because it shows he still cares. In my mind I'm still trying to think of solutions to make things work when i know its a lost cause. I'm still in disbelief right now that he could make a decision so swiftly to end things without any regard for the memories we shared or the love we had. I seriously wish I could be as decisive and logical as him so that I wouldn't be suffering so much. At the same time I acknowledge all responsibility for pushing him too hard.

Whatever it is, if YOU'RE reading this, I still want to make things work no matter how tough the going is and no matter what the result might be. I can wait till you're willing to accept me when I've changed for the better. I want you to know that I've never thought of giving up EVER. But if you've really decided, then goodbye.

*Are there things that u wanted to say?Do u feel me beside u in ur bed, there beside u, where i used to lay?*